Dear Younger Fred… Here's why you keep lying to people…
Before you get defensive… I'm not saying you're a bad person.
You'll tell white lies, half-truths, and leave some details out throughout your life… and you'll feel guilty for them.
But one day, you'll realize something important:
You didn't lie because you were trying to deceive.
You lied because you were trying to survive.
You see, lying — for most of us — isn't about dishonesty.
It's about self-preservation.
It's about not wanting to ruffle feathers, not wanting to disappoint others, or not wanting to be judged.
Remember Dad when you were growing up?
He was strict — firm, predictable, and sometimes a little scary.
Remember those days you'd come home from school and he'd ask,
"Hey son, how's it going?"
And in that split second, you'll think about telling the truth — that it's actually been tough day... that you're struggling to fit in... that you're tired and don't want to go to Karate.
But you'll already know what he's going to say…
How he'll tell you how to fix it before even listening.
You'll see it all in your head before the words even leave your mouth.
So instead, you'll smile and say to him in Cantonese,
"I'm fine,"
Aka — Okay la…
Not because you wanted to lie, but because you wanted to avoid the reaction.
You wanted peace.
Later on, you'll work with a manager who gives you that same feeling.
Every time you're vulnerable or honest, they're quick to judge or criticize — so you subconsciously take notes and start holding back.
Sometimes they won't even need to say a word.
It's the look.
A subtle eye roll.
That slight tightening of their face when they try to keep it neutral (but you know something's up).
And in that moment, you'll know you can't be fully honest.
You'll stop sharing your ideas.
You'll stop giving feedback.
And over time, you'll realize something ironic —
because you couldn't be real, that manager never even knew what the real problems were in their division.
In the end, everyone loses in that environment.
That's when it'll click:
We don't lie because we're bad people — we lie because we don't feel safe enough to tell the truth.
And when you finally understand this — not just in yourself, but in others — everything changes.
As an advisor, parent, and a colleague, your role will shift.
You'll stop trying to get people to open up and start creating spaces where they want to.
Because when people feel safe, they stop acting.
They stop pretending.
They start being real.
And that's when true connection happens.
So, Younger Fred, don't beat yourself up for lying — use it as a mirror instead.
Every time someone hides the truth from you, ask yourself,
"Have I made it safe enough for them to be real with me?"
Once you understand that, you'll unlock the way you connect with everyone in your life.
Baaaaam — that's it for today. See you next Thursday!
Stay curious,
Fred
